Since I can remember, I have been told I am not good enough.
Not good enough for the netball team at primary school.
Not good enough to get my pen license like everyone else.
Not good enough to be a netball umpire.
Not good enough to wear that dress because it doesn't flatter my body.
Not good enough because I didn't know how to tell you how I was feeling.
Not good enough because I couldn't run the entire cross country.
Not good enough because I am female.
Most of those 'not good enough's' seem small - unimportant in the grand scheme of things. And you're right - not making the netball team is not going to make or break your future career prospects.... unless of course you plan to become a professional netball player.
However - when these ideas, or statements, are fed to you by the people you most trust, you begin to believe them - live them. You let them come alive, tell you how to feel, let them dictate your choices You let them help to create little stories you tell yourself over and over again..
Even more so when you are a young, impressionable pre-teen or teenage girl.
For too long, I have been told that I am not good enough because of the number of the scales. By family. By friends. By boyfriends. By guys driving past as I walk down the street at 14 . By teenage magazines. By teachers. By the media. By images that saturate my Facebook newsfeed - EVERY god damn day.. By pornography. By comment men make about women and how great big tits and a tight arse are. By the fitness industry telling me to get fit for summer and lose those kilos NOW!. By my prenatal midwife telling me to think about my weight before I consider a second baby. By the fashion industry not standardising their $#&%ing clothing sizes and making shopping more painful that child birth pre-epidural.
I am good enough.
The number on the scales does not define me.
I am physically strong. - I can eat a 150kg deadlift for breakfast (providing I warm up properly...)
I am mentally strong (most of the time) - I can deal with a 400g bird with attitude to boot, that whistles incessantly at the dog, just as baby has fallen asleep (most of the time)
I am an awesome cook (read best meatballs in town)
I am not a pain in the arse driver (you know who you are). In fact, I'm a great driver.
I have given birth. Period.. Therefore I can do anything.
I am an amazing mother.
I am an amazing life partner and future wife who is there to support, love and understand.
I'm a patient boss.
And I have great eyebrows. Just sayin...
Since becoming a mum, to the most beautiful baby on earth (not kidding), I now realise how what we say about ourselves and to each other, creates a picture book of how we view and feel about ourselves. I now acknowledge that all those idea and statements that were fed to me (including by myself) as I was growing up about my weight and it not being OK, is the reason that I think and feel that that I am not good enough.
Acknowledging this doesn't make me feel much better now, or probably tomorrow either. But each day, I promise to try to be a little kinder to myself. I promise to not call myself fat, or ugly, or point out to people body parts that I hate or want to change. I promise to make a conscience effort to stop criticizing myself, inside and out. I promise to focus on the health benefits of losing weight. I promise not to let my body insecurities creep into my children's impressionable self-esteem.
I vow to tell my son & future babies ,that they are beautiful in every single way, and that what they weight and the way they look does NOT dictate their worth.
Written by Simon's favourite human & life partner - Alex - who was inspired to write this after a really, really shit day.